I wanna live somewhere else. And i think i deserve it. Better, fresh start. Because soon i'll become a fucking horrible person with my humanity off. Now i kinda care. But at that moment, the moment when everything will break into tiny little pieces.. I know my hopes and expectations will be locked and buried down deep inside my heart. Yeah. I still have hopes. Funny, isn't it? I'm such a stupid person, who loves being rational and yet, there's no chance that i'll get what i want. I can crush others dreams and faith easily. But what about mines? why? why did it happen to me? i guess. I never lost hope, since i found it. AND IT DRIVES ME MAD!
Yesterday was fucking awful.Just.. It's been ages since i felt something like this. I was shaking, literally. For about 30 mins, i couldn't control myself, i was so fucking nervous that i could tear someone apart, rip their head off. And it drives me crazy, i need to take pills so sometimes it helps me to sleep or just to keep my.. sanity. I'm ball of disappointed, angry, sad, depressed mixture of feelings.
The main thing is that i'm strong. I have been able to handle it before. But now, either feelings are ripping my heart out or i became weak. In both cases, i'll become very fierced. It's because. I don't see any point of being good.
Actually.
I don't see any point of living. It kills me.
Hi, it's me again.
AtsakytiPanaikintiYou know, you seem like a smart person. And intelligent people tend to suffer more as they simply observe, analyse and, most importantly, care more.
BUT. Subsequently, smart people don't lash out at others. They understand its their problem and they try to solve it. You should try. You should not give up. Don't stay forever at the same point. You don't have to live somewhere else (although it helps), just focus on your downfalls and wipe them out. Change old stuff with new stuff, do something. Talk to people you are interested in. Dream about things and be happy.
Hey. Sorry it took me so long to write you back, or i dont even know if i should answer to this. Im doing this, because I'm very happy that someone actually reads my blog. In this case, i think of writing it more often, not when i'm in the bad mood (i usually write when i'm sad and i don't have anything to talk to).
PanaikintiI read your comment and.. I guess you are right. First time I thought why should I listen to you, if i don't even know who you are. But it doesnt matter, as long as you trying to help. I do suffer a lot, and i guess i suffer everyday, especially when I'm at my home. I'm often alone, but that's who i am. I like being alone, cause no one understands how difficult is being so emotionally exhausted from everything, Closest things are killing me. Literally. I never lashed out at others. I'm too calm for this. But when you keep all the things that hurts you, it grows and grows into a big large cannonball which could might hurt someone anyone. I have never given up. But i did stay forever at the same point. And i want it, badly. It's my desire. I can think logically. I know that it's a bad thing, i should let it go. I shouldve let it go YEARS ago, but i didn't. The thing is, talking to people i'm interested in is the problem. I dream a lot. But when it comes to reality.. It sucks. Although, moving somewhere else is an option and i might be forced to leave soon. So it changed my point of view for a bit. I'm calm at the moment and i hope i'll keep my calmness safe inside my head. I don't like people. But i do like myself. Usually people are enemies to themselves, but i get along nicely with my inner self. By the way, thank you for your comment.. I guess someone reads my blog after all:)